


What's in a Name?

by cernicalo



Category: Star Trek Voyager
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-27
Updated: 2011-09-27
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cernicalo/pseuds/cernicalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom has everything taken away but then has it given back</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chakotay opened moist eyes and looked down into the dark eyes so like his own.  His mother.  He held his mother in his arms once again and his heart constricted in joy.  He felt the warm arms of his brothers across his shoulders and his sister reached in to give him yet another kiss on his cheek.  His family was around him and his heart ached again at the thought of his father, dead for many years now.  But he was home now, finally, after being lost in the Delta Quadrant for over eight years.  They’d finally made it home.  News of their return to Deep Space 9 had traveled quickly and, after the required medical screenings and debriefs, they had flown back to earth to finally rejoin dearly missed family and friends.  

Still the ever-watchful First Officer, he quickly glanced around the room to see how the rest of his crew was faring.  He was gratified to see Kathryn dabbing at her tears of joy, a brilliant smile across her face as she held her mother.  He felt a brief pang of regret that Mark, her ex-fiancée, wouldn’t be there to celebrate their return.  Kathryn had received her “Dear John” letter in one of their first communiqués through the array.  From the looks of things, though, he was sure she would be fine.  Captain Kathryn Janeway was one of the strongest women he’d ever met and was one of his greatest friends.   His eyes continued to scan the room, mentally ticking off each crewmember and was deeply pleased to see each being warmly greeted by friends and family.  He spotted a blonde head and his heart sped up.  If he felt a slight disappointment upon realizing that it was Seven greeting her new-found maternal aunt, he refused to acknowledge it to himself.  It remained to be seen if their fledgling relationship would continue now that they were back on Earth.  He’d told her that he’d be happy as long as they were within transporter range of one another and that might still hold true, but he was a realist enough to know that there would be many demands on the ex-Borg ranging from getting to know her new family and the request from Starfleet to learn more about her.  He wasn’t quite sure where he would fit into that, _if_ that was still what he really wanted.  He shook his head at that thought and pushed it away.  For now, he felt a deep need to return to Dorvan V, to reconnect with his deeply missed home and family.  Just that morning they’d been briefed that since the Federation had given all the Maquis a full pardon they had the option of continued service in Starfleet if they so chose.  He’d need time to make up his mind. 

He skipped over Harry’s deep lip-lock with Libby, his fiancée, with a near-paternal grin.  Catching sight of B’elanna standing in a near-confrontational pose with another Klingon woman would have had any other person fearing they were getting ready to come to blows.  His knowledge of Klingon behavior in general, and B’elanna’s in particular, comforted him as he realized she was greeting her mother as was proper for two warriors, through a growled recitation of personal victories.  He wondered if they would growl as they told one another of more personal stories, such as B’elanna’s failed relationship with Tom Paris.  Probably, he figured.  Although it was one that started with a bang, highlighted with spectacular fights and, he imagined, even more spectacular making-up, the relationship had ended with a whisper, both deciding they were better friends than lovers.  And if that had brought quiet relief to him at the time, he kept it to himself, as well. 

Thoughts of the tall, slim blonde had him scanning the rest of the room.  He knew that Tom was worried about his return to the Alpha Quadrant.  Tom’s fear was slightly relieved upon learning that his prison time had been remanded based on time served with Voyager but his future with Starfleet was still in question.  Yes, his name was Tom now, not just “Paris” any longer, but Tom, his friend.  It had taken some time, but they had forged a friendship over the years.  More than friendship on Chakotay’s part, especially in that last year, but that wasn’t something he’d ever admit to anyone, especially not the clearly heterosexual young man he’d watched from a distance over the years.  Yes, he’d been deeply attracted to the disheveled and inebriated but intensely beautiful blonde man he’d seen in that bar so many years ago and that attraction had never diminished despite his feelings toward the man he knew as a traitor, murderer and whore.  It had taken several years to see Tom as he truly was, a deeply courageous and loyal man.  A man with his own sense of honor and strongly held convictions.  All that wrapped up as a cocky, smart-assed joker who hid his personal feelings behind a sharp wit and bright laughter.  Someone who hid his pain and loneliness behind a smooth self-assurance that seemed to fool everyone…unless you looked into his blue, blue eyes.

Chakotay shook off thoughts of sky-blue eyes and turned as he heard his brother laugh as he re-counted a story of their youth.  Spirits, it was good to be back with his family, back with those he loved and who he knew loved him deeply no matter what changes had taken place over the years.  He threw his arm over Nayib’s shoulder, laughing heartily at the memory Nayib invoked when he saw _him_.  He finally found the one he’d been seeking. 

Tom stood ramrod straight, his back to the wall as he scanned the crowd.  He was alone.  He hadn’t really expected to be met by anyone and had, in fact, nearly skipped this get-together.  But he had to admit that regardless of what he knew would happen he’d still held a little bit of hope that his father might show up, or maybe even his sisters.  That maybe after the reports of what they’d been through might have softened his father’s feelings for his worthless only son enough to show up and pretend he was glad that Tom was back.  He briefly reviewed the different happy scenarios he’d imagined for their return.  He gave the room at large a cynical smile.  He’d been fooling himself, of course.  But still he was glad he came.  It thrilled him to see his crewmates in the arms of their families and friends.  He basked in their joy at their return and if he gave himself a little pat on the back for piloting their safe return home, he figured it was okay.  _Jeez, Harry_ , he thought grinning madly as he spotted his long-time friend.  _Give Libby a chance to breathe, will ya’?_   He turned and saw the Delaney sisters crying loudly and madly hugging another two incredibly beautiful brunette girls.  Oh, man…two sets of twins that looked like _that_ in that family?  Talk about an embarrassment of riches!  But he could see the intense love on the faces of the man and woman who looked on at the cries and embraces of the lovely women.  Must be nice.

Tom looked around a bit more and spotted B’elanna.  It looked like she was getting ready to go into battle, but after a guttural exchange with another Klingon woman, B’elanna was grabbed in a strong embrace and Tom knew that the woman had to be her mother.   Tom knew how worried ‘Lanna had been over seeing her mother again and he was glad it seemed to be working out.  He still cared deeply for her even though things hadn’t worked out between them.  His eyes roved around the room watching as all the people he knew shared tears and smiles with loved ones as he looked for a certain head of black hair. 

Tom needed to see that particular gathering, needed to know that he had something to do with the joy he imagined in those dark eyes.  Those eyes.  Eyes that had haunted his dreams for so long.  Many years ago those eyes that had burned him with their contempt and disdain in that seedy bar.  Later, those same eyes had blazed with hatred when they met his on the bridge of Voyager shortly after their arrival in the DQ.  Eventually, that hatred had been masked but it was there if you looked deeply enough, and Tom had looked.  After the Jonas affair it had flared again for awhile, but over time it had cooled to an icy indifference that had hurt more than the hatred.   It had taken years for that ice to thaw, but thaw it did.  Now those eyes held subtle warmth whenever they lighted on him.  But that warmth was like a blaze in Tom’s heart and had been for years.  Of course, he’d never let the Big Man know he was in love with him, especially once Chakotay had started a relationship with Seven.  But Tom knew that it was something he’d keep with him for the rest of his life and he refused to see it as a sad dream of something he’d never have, but instead felt grateful that someone as worthless as him had a chance to feel love like this for someone else.  

A shift in the crowd revealed a group of equally dark heads and dark skin.  Tom’s chest constricted at the sight.  Chakotay had thrown his head back in laughter…full out _laughter_.  Tom was mesmerized.  Chakotay’s dimples were in full view, his eyes…oh, his eyes…were alight with joy just as Tom had imagined.  He had an arm thrown across the shoulder of another man, slightly taller, but just as strikingly handsome as the Commander.  Obviously one of the brothers.  And that small beautiful woman had to be his mother.  He could see the happiness radiate from her as she looked at her sons.  Tom closed his eyes, the image burned into his memory.  No matter what happened to him now, that picture would remain with him as a testament to everything they’d been through, everything they’d done in their efforts to return to Earth.  It was definitely worth it all.  He opened his eyes but instead of seeing the rest of Chakotay’s family he found himself staring into cold blue eyes.  His father had made it after all.

“I see you’ve returned, Thomas.”  The Admiral looked at the man he’d fathered.  He’d read all of the glowing reports Janeway had written.  He wondered what his son had sold to buy such a glowing commendation.  Disgusting.  He had thought better of Janeway.

“Yes, sir.  It’s good to be back.”  Tom felt himself shrink at the coldness in his father’s eyes, the contempt as he was looked over like a piece of trash and still found wanting.  _It looks like nothing’s changed_ , he thought to himself.  Right.  He straightened his back even more and felt the familiar smirk twist his features.  It had been a long time since he’d worn that expression, but now it came back without effort.

“I’m sure it is.  There are, however, some things we need to discuss.  There are some private rooms this way.”  It never occurred to the Admiral to verify if Tom followed, he merely turned and led the way to the back of the room. 

Tom hesitated only a moment but did follow, kicking himself for his morbid curiosity.  _It’s going to get you killed someday, Tommy boy._  He didn’t know that the dark eyes of his First Officer followed him until he was lost in the crowd.

  


* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.squidge.org/peja/cgi-bin/viewstory.php?sid=43399>


	2. Chapter 2

“…Starfleet has no more use for you than I do…”

Tom couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His stomach twisted painfully and he swallowed the lump in his throat, kicking himself yet again for having even the slightest bit of hope. He tried to focus on his father’s words.

“…due to your criminal record Starfleet is not extending any offers for you to remain in service. However, the fact that you broke the warp 10 barrier and successfully piloted Voyager home as logged by Captain Janeway, I’ve been able to procure some possible work for you on two conditions.”

Tom’s head was swirling although nothing showed on his face. He’d learned too well over the years to keep his emotions completely hidden but he felt himself pale at his father’s next words.

“…legally change your name to something other than Paris and renounce any claim to the Paris estate. I’ve remarried and I have another son to uphold the Paris legacy. William is six years old now and is well on his way to becoming the son I had hoped you would be.” Admiral Paris disregarded the shock on Thomas’ face. As far as he was concerned the matter had been dealt with when he’d disowned the boy after the trial that first sent him to prison. Now it was merely a matter of legally severing any ties they still had.

Tom didn’t think this could get any worse, didn’t think the hole in his soul could get any deeper but he was wrong.

“You may not use your mother’s maiden name again. You’ve dragged the name of Campbell through the mud enough as it is.” He paused at Tom’s shocked face. “Oh, yes, I know you used that name when you whored yourself for drugs and alcohol on Deneb IV.”

A lance of pain shot through him. His father… no, not his father…The Admiral knew it all. He felt heat crawling up his face.

“I’ve taken the liberty of preparing documents in the name of Tom Bennett. That name has no connection with my family…”

…your family…not mine… Tom listened only vaguely as The Admiral continued his litany of hateful words and then he wondered why it still hurt. Why should he care if the Admiral knew who and what he’d been, what he was? He’d already been disowned, right? And who cared what name he used? He was on his own. Some small vestige of pride surged through him.

“Sure, Admiral. I’ll stick with Bennett. Hell, the name of Paris never did anything good for me anyway, too many people trying to suck up and cash in on the glitter.” He enjoyed the small wince of disgust The Admiral gave at his vulgarity and smirked again. Fuck you, you bastard. “So,” Tom turned to lean against a small table, affecting a nonchalant attitude he knew would annoy The Admiral. “I’m supposed to just walk away, huh? Why should I? What about my sisters?”

“You needn’t concern yourself with your sisters since they chose not to concern themselves with you. They had the opportunity to come with me tonight and they turned it down, wisely choosing not to associate with you despite the questionable honors you achieved on your journey.”

Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU! Pain raged through Tom’s chest. It was getting hard to breathe but he’d be damned if he’d show the effect those words had on him. The Admiral had always questioned everything Tom had said his entire life, but now he was questioning Captain Janeway and that was intolerable.

“I would strongly recommend you agree with my conditions, Thomas. Many of your crewmates have opted to remain in Starfleet. I’m sure you wish them well in their careers and, once you agree, I’ll ensure it is so.” The unspoken threat reverberated through Tom’s skull.

Blackmail? You FUCKER! But The Admiral had chosen well. There really wasn’t anything he could have threatened Tom with personally, so instead he’d chosen to threaten his crewmates and their futures, rightly judging that he’d have grown to care for at least some members of the crew over their eight-year journey. This was it. He wouldn’t jeopardize anyone’s future because of him and The Admiral knew it. He stood straight, his face an emotionless mask despite the fact that inside he was howling with anger, pain and loss. He needed to end this. “Where do I sign?”

The Admiral, also well-schooled in hiding his personal feelings, hid his relief but openly displayed his contempt as he handed over a pad for Tom’s print.

Tom looked down. The document had been filled out with the name of Tom Bennett. No full first name, no middle name. He’d taken everything but the bare essentials. Tom gave a humorless chuckle and signed.

The Admiral picked up another data pad. “Here’s the list of possible postings. This is the last thing I’ll do for you. Try not to screw this up, too.”

Tom scanned the list. Every job was on a planet in the farthest outreaches of Federation space. He suddenly knew that his father had also seen to it that he wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere closer. Figured Tom would jump at the chance to do what he’d done before…take the easy way out and run away. Seems Dear Old Dad knew him well, but not well enough.

“Keep it, Dad…I don’t want anything from you. Not now and not in the future. Let my little brother William have it all, the name, the legacy, the life you have all planned out for him. Everything. And, hopefully, he’ll never learn just how empty it all is.” He looked at the man before him and wondered how he ever could have thought that his father might have loved him, might have one day been proud of him.

“Very well.” Admiral Paris nodded once and picked up the pad. If there was any part of him that had any regrets, it wasn’t visible. The matter was now closed. “Goodbye, Mr. Bennett.” He quickly tapped his comm badge and disappeared in a transporter beam.

Tom was left staring at the empty space where the man he thought was his father had stood and felt…nothing. It was almost funny, really, how very numb he was. Did this really happen or was he still waiting by the wall and reviewing the various scenarios he’d imagined for their homecoming. So many things, so much more he’d fantasized saying to his father in every circumstance. He’d tortured himself with fantasies of joyful reunions, of hearing his father tell him that he’d done alright and that he was proud. He’d even toyed with fantasies where he told his father to go fuck himself. But never had he imagined being so completely cut into pieces with absolutely nothing left of him, not even his name. He’d been effectively severed from everything that he had made of himself over the last eight years, everything good from his past. Not to mention his present and whatever future he’d envisioned. Voyager returned with a crewmember named Lt. Tom Paris, but that person no longer existed. He was now Tom Bennett, a man with no past, no connections and a questionable future. He looked at the door. He had to get out. He couldn’t stay in this room and he didn’t belong out there with all those happy people. He started to shake. He had to leave.

Chakotay again scanned the room wondering where Tom had gone. An Admiral had come in and walked up to Tom, the similarity between them unmistakable. He had to be Tom’s father. A sudden sense of foreboding assailed him. He had to find Tom. Quickly excusing himself from his family he continued to scan the crowd. Finally, at the back of the room he saw a door open and Tom walked out. Spirits, what had happened? Tom looked ill. He was pale and even at this distance Chakotay could see he was shaking. Chakotay didn’t know what had happened but he could have cheerfully killed the man that had done this to Tom. He tried to make his way to the shaken man but he was stopped over and over, crewmembers wanting to introduce him to family members. As quickly as he could he extricated himself from the introductions with profuse apologies. But try as he might, he couldn’t get to him in time. Tom disappeared in the crowd and Chakotay knew, with fear in his heart, that he was gone. Possibly forever.

Tom didn’t remember walking back to the quarters he’d been assigned. He just knew that he was standing in front of the door and when he keyed in, it opened at his command allowing him to slip inside just making it to the bathroom before he threw up. Goddamn, his stomach hurt. And he was still shaking. He stayed still, curled around the toilet until his stomach settled. He needed to move, and to plan, anything other than feel. He staggered to the sink and rinsed his mouth. Refusing to look in the mirror he turned and stepped out of the bathroom. He wasn’t ready to see Tom Bennett, couldn’t bring himself to see the empty reflection of a stranger. He surveyed the room around him. Maybe it was some sixth sense, but he had never unpacked his small bag. He didn’t have much when he left Voyager and now he would have even less. Changing into civilian clothes he then pulled out every uniform item he’d packed, leaving them folded neatly on the bunk. On top of it all he left his comm badge. He was giving the room a last glance when his door chimed. When he thought about it later, it really shouldn’t have surprised him to see the ensign standing there holding out some data chips.

“Mr. Bennett?”

She was a pretty little thing. Probably all of ten years old or so, especially with that cute little confused look on her face. Right. She probably thought he was Lt. Paris or something.

“That’s me. What do you have there, Ensign?” Try to make it easier on her. Works for now. Nothing will be easy later on.

“Sir, these are identification documents sent over from Admiral Paris’ office. He said that you needed replacements…?”

Dear Old Dad. Efficient as ever. “Yes, Ensign. Thank you…lost mine in the…never mind. What else have you got?” Maybe The Admiral sent me some tickets to hell, too…oh, wait…he already gave me those…

“This chip has an account with back pay you are owed.” She really didn’t remember any Tom Bennett being on Voyager’s crew manifest, but maybe he wasn’t part of that group.

Tom looked at the data chip and whistled quietly under his breath. Back pay, huh? Maybe guilt money. Nah, that can’t be it. You’d have to have a conscience to feel guilt. You’d have to feel sorry for someone to feel guilt. You’d have to feel something about a person to feel guilt. So this sure as hell couldn’t be guilt money. It was probably just a payoff to get the hell out of Dodge and not cast any shadows on the great Paris legacy. Poor little William. Has no idea what he was in for…

The ensign shifted again bringing Tom out of his daze. “Is that all, Ensign?”

“Yes, Sir, except to let you know that the next shuttle leaving Earth will be at…”

Tom raised his hand to forestall the schedule. The Admiral may have cut him off from everything he’d ever known, but he’d be damned if he was going to kick him off the planet. “That’s okay, Ensign. I know the schedule and I was just leaving anyway.” She gave him a tentative smile and a small nod and then quickly walked away. Probably off to deliver someone else’s life on a silver platter to the great Admiral Paris. The Admiral had a way of keeping ensigns busy doing stuff like that. Pocketing the chips, Tom grabbed bag and with a final look at the stack of clothing left on the bunk, he walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

“I can’t believe he’d just leave like that!”  Harry Kim paced, both angry and hurt that Tom had just left without really saying goodbye.  He’d never even had a chance to introduce Tom to Libby or his parents.  All he got was a message chip saying that Tom had decided against staying in Starfleet and had accepted a job piloting a commercial transport and that he had to leave right away, not even having a chance to say goodbye to anyone.  He’d even asked Harry to relay his goodbyes to everyone else since he didn’t have time to send messages to everyone.  Harry finally stopped pacing and dropped dejectedly onto the couch next to Libby.  “I just don’t get it, Lib, Tom is the best friend I’ve ever had…we’ve been through so much together.  How could he do this?” 

Libby shrugged helplessly and reached out to hold Harry.  She knew this man and, despite their long separation, saw that although he’d matured and grown stronger in his absence, he was still the passionate and deeply loyal man she had fallen in love with.  Whoever this man Tom was, he was a friend to Harry…and friendship wasn’t something that Harry gave lightly.  Her musing was interrupted by the door chime.

Libby answered, surprised to see not only Commander Chakotay, but also Captain Janeway and Lt. B’elanna Torres. 

Greetings were exchanged quickly but there was no doubt that Captain Janeway had a mission.  “Harry, I understand that Tom sent you a message before he left.  If it’s not too personal, may we see it?”

Harry, alerted by the serious mien of his superior officers and friends, quickly retrieved the pad.  “There’s not much on there.  Do you know why he left?”

“No, Harry, we don’t.  Did you see him at the gathering tonight?” 

Harry shook his head and then Chakotay quickly briefed him on Tom’s condition when he last saw him. 

“No, I never saw Tom.  I looked for him but couldn’t find him.  Commander, are you sure that the admiral you saw was Tom’s father?”

“From the description Chakotay gave me, I’m sure it was him.” Janeway answered.  “But I can’t imagine what he would have said to Tom to make him react that way.”  Captain Janeway rubbed her forehead.  She could feel a headache coming on.  “I’ve tried to reach Admiral Paris, but he has not returned my calls.  We know that Tom checked out of his quarters nearly two hours ago and that he left all of his uniforms behind.”  She looked questioningly at Harry.  “I honestly thought that Tom had chosen to stay in Starfleet…?”

“Yeah, we talked about it and he said he’d decided to stay in.”  Harry had again begun to pace, unaware of the informality of his speech, a manner of speaking he would not normally have used with the Captain.  “Professionally, he was feeling pretty good about himself, you know?  He really seemed to settle down these last few years and flying is all he ever really wanted to do…”

Captain Janeway, aware of Harry’s turmoil, didn’t question his manner of speaking.

“Harry,” B’elanna had been quiet up till now, but there was something she needed to know.  “Harry,” she repeated, “you said that _professionally_ Tom was feeling good about himself.  What about personally?”  She glanced at both the Captain and Chakotay.  She considered them both friends and didn’t mind speaking in front of them.  “I know that when we broke up it was hard on him for awhile.  He wasn’t dating.  Harry, was he really alright?”

Harry stopped pacing to face his friend.  “B’el, I won’t deny that breaking up with you was very hard on him, but he _really was_ alright.  In fact,” Harry hesitated a moment but seemed to come to a decision.  “Tom had begun to care for someone in the last couple of years,” he glanced at B’el and saw that this admission seemed to relieve her so he continued.  “And although he hadn’t told that person anything, just loving that person, being around them, seemed to make him happier…”  Harry’s voice faded off a bit as he tried to decide how much to say.  After all, Tom knew that Chakotay was in a new relationship with Seven.  Maybe he decided he couldn’t bear to see the man he loved love someone else…

Chakotay felt a hole open up in his chest.  _Tom had fallen in love with someone.  He was in love with someone who made him happy.  Who was she?_ And Chakotay grieved again for the loss of something he’d never have.  If he hadn’t felt like screaming he would have been laughing.  He’d gone to Seven because Tom had been involved with B’elanna.  Seven was a wonderful person but she’d never made him feel the way Tom did.  Tom’s irreverent laughter and constant joking while they played pool together or talked long into the night over drinks at Sandrine’s…  But now that they were back, that precious time together was gone as well.  But if everything was alright, which he doubted based on his last sight of the man, where was he?  Why did he leave this way?  _Oh, Spirits, Tommy, no matter what, I need you to be happy…_

“Alright, Harry,” Janeway’s brow was furrowed as she thought.  “From what you’re saying, it seems that Tom was at least relatively at peace with where he was in his life, right?”  She looked at Harry who nodded.  “Then it was obviously something Admiral Paris said to him.  Now I know that Tom didn’t get along with his father and although I find it hard to believe that Admiral Paris would turn his back on Tom, especially in light of his overall record with us on Voyager, I can only assume something happened between them.  Perhaps they argued over Tom’s decision to leave with his lover rather than stay in Starfleet…”  She looked at Chakotay and was stunned to see a look of deep pain cross his face and then disappear behind the stoic mask she knew so well.  “Chakotay…?”

“Captain, I believe it had to be more than just an argument judging from the way he looked.  I feel that we need to be sure he’s alright, so if it’s alright with you, I’ll check with the port authorities.  Tom said he got a job as a commercial pilot so I should be able to find out who hired him.”

Captain Janeway nodded, trying to read her First but found herself unable to read anything in the dark eyes.  “Alright, Commander.  B’elanna…”

“Captain,” Harry blurted out, thinking quickly, “excuse me for interrupting, but there’s something else I think you should know.”

“What is it, Harry?”

“Well, first off, I agree with the Commander.  Something here just isn’t right.  I’d feel better if we could verify that Tom just changed his mind about staying in Starfleet.  But I think you need to know something else.”  Again Harry hesitated.  Tom wouldn’t thank him for giving out too much information, but this whole situation just didn’t feel right.  “I don’t think the person Tom is in love with has decided whether or not to stay in Starfleet, so Tom wouldn’t have been leaving with anyone.   Whatever happened, it was enough for Tom to change all of his plans, plans that he still had when we left the final out-brief this morning.”

“Right.  Well then, if we all do this together maybe we can get some answers that will ease everyone’s minds and then we can get back to friends and family.”  The last was said with a brief smile in Libby’s direction.  “Harry, you and B’elanna check the transporter logs just in case Tom transported somewhere other than the local spaceport.  I’m going to see Admiral Paris personally and see if he can shed some light on this.”


	4. Chapter 4

Tom slid lower on his seat, opening his legs just a bit wider eliciting a small smile from the handsome stranger across the bar.  Picking up his drink with lazy grace he took a small sip.  The barest tip of his pink tongue circled his top lip, savoring the smoky peat flavor of real whiskey.  Yes, this stranger looked like he could give Tom what he craved tonight.  What he craved every night.  Hard liquor and hard fucking.  So hard that he forgot everything except what he was feeling at the moment.  So hard that he felt it all the next day in the form of a very sore head and very sore ass until the cycle started again with his next sip of whiskey.  It was almost like it was before, except that now he could afford a hotel room and food and clothes.  Plus he didn’t have to have sex with strangers unless he wanted to…although he always wanted to.  Especially if the stranger had dark hair and dark eyes so that for a little while Tom could pretend…

Brazia eyed the blonde across the bar.  He was certainly beautiful despite his state of inebriation.  But then, that made his job all that much easier.  It also didn’t hurt that the young man was obviously eager.  He moved to the bar and ordered two drinks and then sauntered slowly over to the other man’s table.

Tom liked this country.  He had never spent much time in old Mexico before but decided it was as good a place as any to start over.  It was a shame, really, that he couldn’t get any piloting jobs, but working just didn’t fit in with his plans right now.  The only thing that did was the large number of bars populated by large numbers of handsome, muscular men, dark with bronzed skin and dark eyes.  He saw the man across the room get up and walk to the bar.  Without looking he knew the stranger would walk up with a couple of drinks in his hands and then, after a bit of small talk, they wouldn’t be strangers anymore…

Tom held on to the headboard as Brazia pounded into his ass.  He’d insisted on keeping the lights on when they tumbled into bed earlier, so Tom looked down and saw what he wanted to see, what he needed to see…two dark hands holding him by the hips as he was taken.  Dark skin contrasting sharply against his own pale skin reminding him of another pair of hands, hands he’d only seen caressing a pool cue or curled around a hot cup of tea but that had filled his dreams in just this position.  He moaned low in his throat as one of those hands moved to his cock.  _Yes!_ This is what he wanted.  He closed his eyes briefly but forced them open again to watch that dark hand fist him.  That’s all it took and then he was flying.

“Who is Cha?”  Awhile later the question hung in the dark as they rested, letting breathing slow and sweat dry.  No answer came forth as Tom rolled over, his back to his partner, and started to slip into sleep.

 _Tom said he was too old.  He was right_ , Brazia thought as he watched the slim blonde man sleeping in his bed.  Tom lay on his stomach with the sheet wrapped around his waist, one leg sticking out and bent at the knee.  Still, the man was beautiful.  And definitely a man, not a boy as he’d first thought when he’d seen him across the dim bar.  If he’d been as young as he’d first thought, Brazia would probably have drugged him already and sent him on his way to one of the outer worlds as a rent boy.  Instead he’d let him spend the night.

Brazia put down his coffee and walked over to the replicator.  He didn’t know what it was about Tom Bennett, but despite his age he made you want to take care of him.  He pulled a hypospray from a drawer, double checked the medication and injected it into Tom’s neck.  It was enough to wake Tom up.

Tom rolled over and groaned.  Slowly opening his eyes and squinting slightly, he realized who was standing over him and a slight smile curved his lips before realization of the state of his head came upon him.  He closed his eyes at the throbbing of his head and began his morning ritual of pain examination.  But it was different today.  He opened his eyes again just as Brazia placed the used hypospray on the nightstand. 

“What the hell did you do that for?”

Brazia was surprised at the question.  _He wants the hangover._   Brazia gave him a quizzical look but remained quiet while the hyprospray finished its job.  Tom was certainly an odd one.  “So you prefer to think about how badly your head hurts than to think about…what?”

Tom remained silent for a moment.  “Never mind.  Thanks.”  He rolled over, got out of bed and stretched, unconcerned with his nudity.  “Mind if I use your shower?”  Brazia shook his head and Tom walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

Brazia picked up his coffee and sat down to contemplate the curiosity that was Tom Bennett.

When Tom came out he found coffee and rolls waiting for him and smiled at Brazia.  “Do you treat all your potential kidnappees this well?”

“You said it yourself.  You’re too old.  And if you knew what my _initial_ interest was, why did you come with me?”

Tom shrugged as he bit into the roll.  “Been there, done that.  It doesn’t matter.  I wanted to get laid.”

“So when you’re not drinking and getting laid, what do you do, Tom Bennett?” 

Tom sat back and sipped his coffee.  If he said he was a pilot, Brazia might be able to get him a job.  But it would be helping him actually do what he’d intended to do to Tom when they met last night.  Nope.  He’d sunk pretty low, though not as low as he’s been before, but he still wouldn’t do that to some unsuspecting kid out there. 

“Nothing.  Drinking and getting laid is my sole purpose in life.”

He’d left Brazia shortly after breakfast and decided to walk despite being so tired he felt like curling into a ball and sleeping for two days.  It was too early for most of the sun-worshippers to be out so the beach was nearly empty.  There were a few boats out on the water.  Maybe he would rent a sailboat, too.  No, he was too tired.  Too many late nights and too much alcohol.  He’d probably drown himself.  He re-considered renting the sailboat.  No.  The Admiral had taken almost everything else.  He wouldn’t give him that, too.

He continued walking.  Man, it had been a long time since he was sober this early in the fucking day.  He hated it.  Gave him too much time to think and thinking was the last thing he wanted to do.  God, he missed flying.  He thought about Brazia.  Illegal stuff like that would get him in the pilot’s seat.  It had been awhile since he’d flown, although it hadn’t taken Tom long to figure out that he had been blackballed all over Earth.  He never really realized how powerful The Admiral was outside of Starfleet until it had been directed at him.  He wondered if the blackball was because he’d thrown the potential jobs back in The Admiral’s face or just because the old man was a bastard.  Probably both.  It didn’t matter.  There was no way in hell he was going to work for one of The Admiral’s lackeys but he was getting desperate to fly again.  Shit. 

Tom took off his shoes and wandered through the surf for awhile.  Maybe it was time to move on, leave Earth and find a job somewhere where they don’t ask too many questions.  After all, the money wasn’t going to last forever at the rate he was drinking it away.  And just maybe he’d be able to settle in somewhere and, in time, staunch the bleeding from the gaping hole in his chest.  Maybe.


	5. Chapter 5

Ever since finding out that Tom Paris hadn’t boarded any shuttles leaving port nor had he signed on as crew to any commercial craft, Chakotay knew that Tom was on the run.  But why?  Why would Tom leave like that?  Why would he lie?  Chakotay didn’t know, but he was damn well going to find out.  On a hunch he decided to check out the only other place he knew on Earth where Tom might go. 

Chakotay opened the door to Sandrine’s.  It was amazing.  It was almost like walking into the holodeck simulation that Tom had made.  He knew that Tom was good, but to have programmed that bar from his memory of this place really brought home just how talented he truly was.  Chakotay looked around, half surprised that he didn’t recognize any of the patrons as part of Voyager’s crew and then laughed at himself.  He walked up to the bar.  There was an older man wiping glasses.

“What may I serve you?” 

Chakotay gave him a quick smile.  “Actually, I was looking for Sandrine.  Is she here today?”  He was surprised as a look of sadness crossed the old man’s features.

“I’m sorry, Monsieur, but Sandrine passed away nearly five years ago.  Were you a friend?”

 _Oh, poor Tom!_   Chakotay shook his head.  “No, I’m afraid I’ve never met her, but a friend of mine knew her very well. Actually, I’m looking for him and hoped that he would come here to visit.  His name is Tom Paris, blonde, blue-eyed, about 185 cm tall.  Perhaps you may have seen him?”  Chakotay pulled out a holoimage he owned.  It showed both he and Tom laughing together at the resort program on Voyager.  It was one of his most prized possessions.

“Yes, I do remember that young man. I remember him because it was obvious he was a good friend to Sandrine.  There were tears in his eyes when I told him that she was gone.  He was so sad…at the time I thought that he’d lost the last thing on earth that meant anything to him.”  The man shook his head sadly.  “Many years ago Sandrine would speak of one she called Thomas, her _ange triste_ , her sad angel.  Perhaps this is the same man, ouí?”

Chakotay felt his chest constrict at the thought of Tom, sad and alone, wandering who knows where.  “Yes, I believe that was my friend.  Do you know where he went?  Did he say anything?”

“No, Monsieur, I’m very sorry.  He bought a glass of whiskey for both of us and we drank to her memory.  Then he smiled that very sad smile and walked away.  I have not seen him since.  I am truly sorry.”

Chakotay nodded.   “Thank you, Monsieur, and I, too, am very sorry for your loss.”  The man nodded and Chakotay left the bar.  _Ange triste_ …yes, that would have described Tom when he first met Sandrine so many years ago.  According to Tom, he’d spent quite a bit of time here in France shortly after he’d left Starfleet and been disowned by his father.  Before he found transport to the outer colonies where he was when Chakotay had met him.  Chances are he might have re-traced his steps in that as well.  Determined, Chakotay again went to talk to the port authorities.

\----------------------

“I’m very sorry Captain Janeway, but Lt. Paris rejected the offer to remain in Starfleet.  He signed out of his quarters that night but left no forwarding address or any points of contact.” 

Kathryn Janeway thanked the lieutenant and stepped out of the office. She was highly perplexed.  She’d been completely unable to get passed Admiral Paris’ adjunct to schedule an appointment with him and all her communiqués had gone unanswered.  Okay, time for a lateral attack.  She decided to call on Tom’s sisters.  But first she needed to talk to Chakotay, B’elanna and Harry.

“Chakotay, where are you?”

“Katherine, I didn’t find anything at the port so on a hunch I transported to France, Sandrine’s.”

“Sandrine’s?  Do you really think he’s there?”

“Katherine, he’s been here.  The bartender identified Tom but said that he left after finding out that Sandrine had passed away.  So far I haven’t been able to find out where he’s gone from here.  I’m still checking transporter records.”

“Very well.  I’m going to talk to his sisters.  I’ll contact you again later.”

“I’ll check with Harry and B’elanna.  Hopefully, they’ll have some news.”  Chakotay signed off and continued his review.

\------------------------------

Captain Janeway gently placed the delicate teacup on the coffee table.  She moved very carefully in case she accidentally fast pitched the pretty little cup straight at the head of Kathleen Paris Adams, Tom’s oldest sister.  It hadn’t taken long for the frustration and disgust to rage inside of her at Kathleen’s empty prattle about the shame heaped on their family by Tom’s past behavior and his less than stellar performance aboard the Voyager.  So according to Kathleen, both she and Moira had washed their hands of their little brother and had followed in their father’s footsteps to eradicate any hint of their relationship.  Katherine rubbed a finger across her temple where the early twinges of a major headache were starting.  For the hundredth time since this visit began, she found herself glad that Miriam Paris, Tom’s mother, was no longer alive to witness this travesty. 

She’d come to Kathleen hoping she would shed some light on might have happened to Tom but Kathleen had denied any knowledge of his whereabouts.  She and Kathleen had always been on friendly terms when Katherine had worked for Owen Paris.  But this woman, this bitter and spiteful woman, didn’t at all seem to be the same young girl she’d known all those years ago.   She tried a different tack.

“Well, Kathleen, it must be a happy occasion for you to welcome a new sibling into your family…”

“Of course.  The Paris legacy must continue after all.  We were very happy that our father found such a fine woman to care for and little William _is_ a wonderful child.   He is actually very much like Tom was at this age.  However, I can assure you that William will have a very different upbringing.  There won’t be any possibility of the same undesirable traits taking precedence in this child.”

 _Undesirable traits._   Katherine felt the knot of anger in her stomach tighten.  Despite that, though, she felt a pang of sadness for a lonely little boy ushered from one lesson to another while under the constant supervision of an overly strict family.  Tom had escaped but at what cost?  But something Kathleen said bothered her.

“You said that the Paris legacy must continue.  I’m sure William will follow in his father’s footsteps much as you’d hoped Tom would.  But perhaps Tom will have children of his own that will also choose Starfleet as a career to help continue the legacy.”

Kathleen pursed her lips and looked perturbed at Janeway’s words.

“That may be, Katherine, however they won’t bear the name of Paris.  In fact, I’m not sure what name he uses now.  My father has seen to that.  But, really Katherine, I don’t want to talk of someone who no longer has any bearing on my life.  I’d prefer to talk about you and your crew’s amazing return.  This is quite the accomplishment, but then, my father always believed you would go far.”

Not a Paris?  Is that what had happened when Owen saw Tom at the reunion?  Over the years Katherine had come to realize that Tom’s supposed golden upbringing was far from what most people believed.  And Tom had left most of his past behind him becoming not only a fine officer but a very good friend. 

So this, then, was the homecoming Tom had received.   _Oh, Tom!_ While every other member of Voyager’s crew was held within the embrace of their friends and families, Tom had had the last vestige of who he was torn away from him.  No welcome, no family, no name.  Katherine’s heart broke at the pure injustice of it.  Tom had more than redeemed himself for the mistakes he’d made in his youth.  But his family would never see that and rage filled her at the thought.

“Thank you, Kathleen.  But it certainly wasn’t my accomplishment alone.  I had the best crew any captain could ever have working alongside me to bring us all home.  And Tom was right there, piloting us all the way back.  In fact, in my logs I’ve recorded several occasions where, if not for Tom alone, we wouldn’t have made it back at all.  You see, the Tom Paris I’ve known for the past eight years has been one of my finest officers as well as a good friend.”

Katherine registered the disbelief on the face so like her dear friend’s and felt nothing but disgust. 

“I see.  Well, then, I believe our visit here is obviously at an end.”  Kathleen stood up followed by Katherine.

“Yes, Kathleen, it is.  I’ll keep searching for Tom on my own.  I owe him that and so very much more than you will ever understand.  But let me say one final thing,” Katherine took one step closer.  “You don’t deserve to be related to the Tom Paris that I know, and perhaps you’ll learn firsthand, if you haven’t already, that not everything is as the Admiral would have you believe.” 

\--------------------------------

B’elanna slapped the flat of her hand on the console, startling the young ensign assigned there.  Harry, used to her displays of temper, ignored the outburst and continued to scan the data for any indication that Tom had used the Starfleet transport hub.

“Harry, we don’t even know if he was using his real name.” B’elanna growled.  “And I’m not even sure if there aren’t some other names besides Eugene, Paris and Campbell he could have used.”

“Did you try all variations of his first name as both a first and last name?”

“Of course!  In the last 48 hours alone there’ve been nearly 300 possibilities that match some part of Tom’s name…assuming he even used any part of his real name.  That’s what I’m talking about!  I need some other way to narrow down the field.”

Harry thought for a moment and then turned to the ensign.  “Can we sort the data by physical characteristics?”

The ensign, still casting a wary eye in B’elanna’s direction, nodded hesitantly.  “Yes, however you’d need the proper authorization.  Scanning for a particular individual by name is one thing, but scanning for anyone matching a particular physical description violates privacy statutes.  You said Lt. Paris was part of your crew’s complement, right?  If you could give me a sample of Lt. Paris’ DNA or if your Captain could give me the authorization, I could run the scan based on the description for you…”

Harry eyed B’elanna with a glint in his eye.  Once upon a time he would have volunteered the fact that Tom was no longer a member of the crew, exactly, but he’d learned quite a bit about obfuscation since then.  With a small smile to B’elanna he hit his comm badge and contacted Captain Janeway.

“Captain Janeway, Lt. Kim.”

“Janeway,” the gruff voice responded. 

“Captain, we’ve found no evidence that Lt. Paris used the Starfleet transporter hub using his own name.  I’ve requested a scan based on physical parameters, however we need your authorization to scan for either DNA or personnel matching _Lieutenant Paris’_ physical description.”

Clued in by the emphasis Harry placed on Tom’s rank, Janeway was quiet for a moment.  Any investigation into their actions would reveal that she was authorizing a scan for someone that was no longer under her command.  And the only one who would cause any problems along those lines would be Admiral Paris himself. 

“Lt. Kim, you have my authorization to perform all required scans.  Janeway out.”

Harry gave a small sigh of relief and turned back to the ensign.  “Right.  So where do we start?”


	6. Chapter 6

Chakotay walked down the boulevard.  He still couldn’t believe what Katherine had told him.  He found himself wishing furiously that the war wasn’t over, that he could take on one final mission:  to kill Admiral Owen Paris.  _Sprits, Tommy…_   Family was one of the most important things to Chakotay’s people.  Honor and loyalty were also of great import.  What Owen Paris had done to his own son was beyond comprehension, beyond belief.  Plus what Paris had done since then…  Chakotay was still seething as he left the spaceport.

He recalled one night when he and Tom had remained drinking and talking quietly at Sandrine’s.  Harry had finally stumbled out about an hour earlier, having partied very heartily at the celebratory party they’d held on board Voyager when the possibility of returning home had become a reality.  Then it was just Tom and Chakotay sipping their drinks.  They’d talked about their plans for their return, joking about kissing the ground as they stepped off Voyager, or in Chakotay’s case, the transport taking him to Dorvan V. 

“But really, Chakotay, what’s the first thing you want to do when you get home?”

Chakotay quieted and gave Tom a small, slightly sad smile.  “I want to visit my father’s grave.”

Tom gave him an understanding smile and nodded. 

“What about you, Tom?  What do you want to do when you get back?”

Tom’s smile turned slightly embarrassed, but definitely sad.  “Truth?  I’d like to walk up to my Dad and say ‘look at what I’ve done, Dad.  What do you think?’ And, hopefully, he’ll say that he’s proud of me, or maybe tell me that I performed well as an officer.”

The admission had cut through Chakotay’s heart like a blade.  The one thing that Chakotay had always been sure of, despite the hurt and the angry words between him and his father when he’d left to join Starfleet, was that his father had always loved him, had always been proud of who he was as a person.  It broke his heart to know that the man he cared for so very much had never known that in his life.

“I doubt you have anything to worry about, Tom.  I’ve seen Katherine’s logs.  Your father won’t be able to be anything but proud of you.”  He’d wanted desperately to stand up and pull Tom into his arms, to reassure the younger man that he needn’t worry, but the words wouldn’t come.  He was too sure he’d end up telling Tom how he really felt and he wasn’t ready for that admission.

“Yeah.  I’ll believe it when I see it, Cha.”  Tom, still embarrassed at his revelation, finished his drink and decided to call it a night.  They’d shut down the program and said their goodnights in the hallway.  Chakotay had regretted his cowardice ever since. 

But now he fully intended to fix that situation.  B’elanna and Harry had found a record for someone named Tom Bennett who’d transported first to San Diego and then to France.  From there, Chakotay had found the record that showed Tom had left France and had gone to old Mexico.  So here he was, in a city named Acapulco.  And, knowing Tom as he did, Chakotay’s first task was to check out the spaceport and then the bars.

Chakotay’s comm badge chirped.  “Chakotay,” he responded.

“Any luck yet, Chakotay?”  Katherine sounded truly worried. 

“No, not yet.  I checked everything near the spaceport but came up empty.  But Katherine,” Chakotay had to tell her what else he’d found.  “There’s more.  On a hunch I asked around a bit…I found out that anyone hiring a pilot named Tom Bennett would find themselves in a very unhappy situation.  Katherine, Tom has been blackballed, probably all over Earth.”

“Oh, God, Chakotay.  I knew that Owen’s power was far-reaching but I would never have thought that he’d so something like this!  Chakotay, I’m going to join you…”

“Katherine, please…I can’t explain right now, but it would be better if I did this myself.”

She knew there was a lot that Chakotay wasn’t saying but she trusted her First Officer and friend, so if he felt he needed to do this alone, she’d accept that.  Besides there were a few more questions she needed answers to and she was the only one who could ask.

“Alright, Chakotay.  What are you going to do next?”

“Well, if Tom can’t fly I’ll bet he’s hitting the bars pretty heavily.  He at least has his back pay that we know of, so he’s not completely broke…”  Chakotay was grateful for Katherine’s trust.  He didn’t want to think about what Tom might feel forced to do if he didn’t have any money and he wouldn’t have Katherine see that for anything in the world. 

“Katherine, Tom loves the water.  If he’s here, he’ll be near the beach.  I’m sure of it.” 

“Alright, Chakotay.  Please keep me informed.” 

“I will, Katherine.  Thank you.”

\----------------------------------

“Admiral K’Laar, I realize that my coming here is a bit out of the ordinary…”

“Not at all, Captain.  I was, in fact, expecting you.”

Katherine Janeway looked up at the tall, thin biped.  Admiral K’Laar was in charge of the division that administered all personnel actions for Starfleet.  He would be the one who could tell her more about Tom’s name change.

\-----------------------------------

Chakotay left the bar.  It was the third one so far tonight.  But it was also the third bar where the bartender recognized Tom from the holo image.  The third bar where Tom had been described as a drunk and a slut who always seemed to have money to buy his own drinks.  Chakotay’s blood boiled.  What the hell was Tom doing to himself?  He didn’t know, but he sure as hell was going to find out.

He walked down the street to the next bar, one he’d heard that Tom tended to favor.  As with the rest, it was dark, too dark to really see the clientele without walking around.  The music was loud with a driving beat that Chakotay could feel reverberating through his chest, so loud it was hard to think.  It occurred to him that it may be the reason Tom tended to like these bars.  He made his way over to the bartender.

\------------------------------------

Brazia saw Tom before Tom saw him.  It had been awhile since Brazia worked this side of town and for some reason it surprised him to see Tom Bennett still working the bars here.  He’d been out cruising the local places, looking for likely subjects to send to his co-workers when he saw the tall blonde sprawled at the table.  But it didn’t seem as though Tom was looking to get laid this evening.  It was obvious he was more intent on getting completely wasted.  Brazia briefly wondered if the only thing the blonde had tonight was alcohol.  He watched as Tom leaned back in his chair.  His eyes were closed as he clutched the nearly empty glass close to his chest, as though he was afraid someone would take it away.

 _He needs to go home_ , Brazia thought to himself and then laughed.  What the hell was he thinking?  Tom was of no use to him business-wise and from the looks of him, he wouldn’t even be of any use as a fuck for the night.  So why was he still sitting here, watching the long, lean blonde?  Because you want to sober him up and then fuck him…have him wake up in your bed…  Brazia laughed at himself again.  There were times when he was such a _pendejo_.  He was still laughing as he approached the nearly unconscious man.

Chakotay turned in the direction the bartender pointed and saw Tom.  He was leaning back with his eyes closed but there was another man sitting across from him.  Without consciously thinking about it, he made his way over to a table next to Tom’s, sitting close enough to hear their conversation despite the loud music.

“Tomás, chico, it’s good to see you.  Where have you been?”

Tom opened his eyes a bit to peer blearily at the dark man sitting across from him.  Dark skin, dark eyes…hmmm. 

“Tom Bennett, open your eyes…look at me.”  Brazia leaned forward and lightly tapped Tom on the cheek. “You remember me, don’t you?”

Tom opened his reddened eyes wider and finally recognized the man across from him.

“I’m too old for what you want…and I don’t like you.”

“Oh, Tom, don’t say that!  Why don’t you like me, hmm?”

“You sobered me up…I won’t let you do it again.  I’m very happy right now.”  Tom gave a faint smile as he again closed his eyes.

“Oh, _mí boníto_ , you want to stay on your little cloud?  That’s fine with me, but wouldn’t it be nice to lie on the beach listening to the sound of the waves instead of this loud music?”  Brazia was pleased when the blood-shot blue eyes opened and focused on him.  “Wouldn’t it be nice to make love on the beach with the stars overhead?”

Tom remembered walking bare foot through the surf.  It sounded so nice and cool and this place was too hot.  He smiled and nodded at Brazia, raising his arms so that his new companion could help him stand.  Yes, it would be nice and cool…and Chakotay would keep him safe.

Chakotay was stunned.  He couldn’t believe that the person he’d found was his Tom Paris.  This man was pale and thin and obviously drunk.  He’d also just agreed to have sex with another man.  Jealousy surged through him.  If this is what Tom wanted to do with his life, so be it, but not before Chakotay got a hold of him and let him know just what it was he’d thrown away.   He got up and followed the couple out of the bar.

Chakotay followed the men to a small cabana on the beach.  Kissing and pawing each other, Chakotay was amazed they made it through the small door.  Tom was inside this small house.  He was inside with another man.  Chakotay could feel his heart breaking even as the fury built up inside.  He should leave Tom to the life he obviously prefers, he told himself but found that he couldn’t move.  The thoughts kept swirling inside his head.  How could he think that Paris was in trouble?   It’s obvious that this is what the younger man wanted all along.  He was living this life when Chakotay met him and here he was again, as though the intervening eight years on Voyager had never happened.  He needed to get away, disgust and anger equally feeding the hard knot in his stomach.  How could he have believed Tom had changed?  How could he have let himself fall in love with someone like this?  He should leave, get away, but something held him back.  Something made him move closer to listen and watch.

The men were wrapped in each other’s arms.  Tom was pushing his pelvis into the other man, rubbing his erection against him as hard as he could. 

“What do you want?”

“I need you in me, okay?”  Tom moved his mouth to the other man’s neck and suckled.  “Just fuck me as hard as you can.”

Chakotay heard the other man’s laughter and he felt rage course through him.   He’ll kill them, kill them both. 

“Sure, Tom, I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll forget whoever it is you’re trying to forget.  Get these clothes off.”

“Be quiet, don’t talk.”  Tom punctuated his commands with kisses to the other man’s mouth.  It wasn’t quite right, this man was taller than him but he could make it work.  “Let me see your hands on me,” he panted.  “That’s right…your dark skin on me turns me on so much, your dark hair… brown, brown eyes…”

“Is that what he looks like?”

“I said don’t talk!  Just fuck me already…”

“Sure, baby, sure…”  Sounds of rustling clothing and positioning on the bed reached Chakotay’s ears.  He was forcing down the rage, trying to make sense of what he was hearing. Who was Tom imagining he was with?  He was distracted by the sound of flesh slapping flesh and Tom’s guttural commands to be fucked harder.  Tom, _spirits_ , the sound of him demanding to be fucked harder sent a rush of blood surging to Chakotay’s groin.  He wanted to be the one fucking Tom, giving him what he needed.  That need was coupled with the desire to rip the other man away from him, kill the interloper so that Chakotay could plunge his cock deep into that pale ass.  Claim the man making those incredible noises as his own.  He stood in the dark, his fists rhythmically clenching and opening over and over again.  It took all his willpower to stay there and not commit the murder that was in his heart.  Then he heard it…

“Oh, yes, Cha!  God, yes….Cha, oh Cha…!”

 _He’s thinking of me, imagining me…_   Chakotay was in shock.  Tom wanted him.  Without further thought he kicked in the flimsy door.  He was in the kitchen but a few strides found him in the bedroom and grabbing the interloper by the biceps, ripping him away from Tom.

“Hey!”  Brazia found himself on the floor, lying halfway against the wall.  In the dim light he looked up at the crazy fucker who charged into the room.  “Who the fuck are you?”

Chakotay took another menacing step towards him just as the man jumped up, ready to fight back.  But both men were distracted by Tom scrambling off the bed.

“Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God….”  The broken sobs were whispered as Tom frantically grabbed his clothes off the floor.  Tom was drunk but he wasn’t so drunk that he didn’t recognize the furious man who’d charged into the room.  Chakotay was here!  He’d seen this man fucking him!  Every nightmare Tom had that Chakotay would find him, find out what he was, was coming true.  He had to get out of here!

Chakotay turned to grab Tom but was stopped by the other man.  Chakotay felt the man’s first blow hit him in the stomach.  It knocked the breath from him briefly but not by much. He blocked the man’s second blow and followed through with a left upper cut.  It quickly became obvious that the man knew how to fight and although every thought in Chakotay was screaming to hurry this up and follow Tom, he couldn’t break away that easily. 

Brazia was furious at having his pleasure interrupted and used that to fuel his fight, but it became obvious after a few blows that he was no match for the crazy fucker.  He backed away a step.  Again he demanded, “Who are you?”

“I’m Cha…”  Understanding flooded through Brazia as Chakotay took one last shot. 

Chakotay watched the man drop with satisfaction, but it was short-lived as he turned to follow Tom into the night.


	7. Chapter 7

Katherine placed her coffee on the table before her.  She sat in her chair, seemingly relaxed except for the tense set of her shoulders.

“Admiral, can you tell me why you were expecting my visit?” 

Admiral K’Laar remained sitting ramrod straight in his chair, but Katherine had the distinct impression that he had relaxed.  Perhaps he had some information that would clarify the situation.

“Since your return, Captain, I have been personally working on personnel assignments for those of your crew who have chosen to remain with Starfleet.  Quite frankly, Captain, I was surprised at the number of former Maquis who elected to accept a regular enlistment rather than head to their home worlds.  This says quite a bit for the Captain who could change the viewpoints of those who were once the Federation’s enemies.”

“Thank you, Sir.  I hope that many of those same crewmembers will accept a position with me when Voyager is retro-fitted.”

“I dare say they will.  However, I’m sure that those crewmembers are not at the forefront of your thoughts.  If I may be so bold, I believe you are wondering what I know about the former Lt. Thomas Paris.  Is that correct?”

Katherine leaned forward.  “Yes, Sir.  I have been trying to locate him and have been unsuccessful.  It seems that Lt. Paris has disappeared quite completely.”

“Yes, Captain, he has.  I’m aware of your inquiries and also know that you authorized a scan for anyone matching Lt. Paris’ physical description despite the fact that, technically, he is no longer under your command.”

Katherine eyed the Admiral.  There was no change to the golden hue of his eyes, nor was there any color change to his pale, slightly leathery skin.  She found she couldn’t read him at all, which wasn’t surprising.  One didn’t become an Admiral without learning how to hide their true thoughts when necessary.

“It was my understanding, Admiral, that all personnel had a 30-day grace period where they could change their original decision if they chose to do so.  It was with that in mind that I approved the scan.  I had hoped to contact Lt. Paris so that I could personally ask him to reconsider his decision.  I’m sure you can understand my reluctance to let a good officer and pilot leave the service without at least attempting to change his mind.”

Katherine wasn’t sure, but she sensed that the Admiral approved of her answer.  And somehow she also knew that he knew there was much more to her desire to find Tom than what she’d said. 

“Admiral, if anyone can help me find Tom Paris, I believe it is you.  I’ve tried to access his personnel records and find that they’ve been sealed.  None of my other former crewmembers who have elected to leave Starfleet had their records sealed.  Can you shed some light on this?”

Admiral K’Laar slowly leaned forward and picked up his cup.  He brought it to his face and inhaled the scented steam for a moment.  Katherine caught a faint whiff of something spicy and wondered what it was he was drinking.  She was sure she’d never smelled that particular scent before so assumed it was something he had shipped in from his home world.  He took a very delicate sip of the hot liquid and seemed to savor it for a moment.  Carefully placing the cup on his desk he again sat back and resumed his erect posture.  Only now Katherine could detect a slight intensity in his demeanor.  She was grateful her long association with Tuvok allowed her to detect the very faint nuances of Admiral K’Laar’s body language.

“There are occasions, Captain, where a slight irregularity in processes captures my attention.  This was one such case.  Normally, personnel records are sealed upon the demise of a crewmember.  However, they are not sealed from command personnel.  This is where the irregularity occurred.  I learned, through alternate channels, that the records were sealed due to legal processes outside of Starfleet purview, and were in fact, sealed in a manner associated with the demise of the individual in question.”

Katherine was shocked.  Somehow, somewhere there would have been some notification that Tom had died.  And they did find a positive bioscan from the transporter.  So someone with a great deal of influence just eradicated Tom Paris from existence.  Again, she was amazed at what Owen Paris had done.  But the question was, why?

“So everything that Starfleet has shows that Tom Paris is dead.”

“Everything that the _Federation_ has shows this, Captain.  It was reported as a minor shuttle accident.”

“A shuttle accident?”  Katherine was dumbfounded.  The one thing that Tom had always believed was that his father’s greatest wish was for Tom Paris to cease heaping shame on the family name.  It seems that Owen Paris had finally gotten what he wanted by eradicating all records of his son.  Thomas Eugene Paris was dead, long live Tom Bennett.  But what final hold did Admiral Paris have on Tom Bennett? 

“Yes, Captain.  Thomas Paris is quite dead and unfortunately, that case is closed.”

Katherine nodded.  “Admiral, I do have one more question, if you would be so kind.  What is the protocol for having a non-Starfleet pilot tested for admittance into Starfleet?” 

The Admiral gave what could only be described as an embarrassed cough which filled Katherine with foreboding.  She had the distinct impression that what he was going to tell her, and using some of Tom’s favorite 20th century vernacular, was that Tom was totally screwed.

“You are, of course, referring to Mr. Tom Bennett.   It is unfortunate that he has quite a poor reputation.  It would be highly doubtful if he could find gainful employment as a pilot anywhere in the Federation, let alone in Starfleet.  I’m very sorry, Captain, but there is truly nothing that can be done in that regard.”

Katherine took a deep breath.  Well, apparently the only option for her now was to find Tom and do her best to help him in whatever capacity she could.  But one day, she vowed, she would see that Admiral Owen Paris would regret his heartless actions.


	8. Chapter 8

Tom ran blindly until he reached a row of buildings where he paused to struggle back into his clothes.  Peering around the corner he waited, listening for sounds that meant Chakotay was still following.  Stupid, stupid, _stupid!_   He’d stayed here too long.  He was debating where to go when he heard the sound of running footsteps.  He had to move!

 _“Hórale, boníto!  ¿Adonde vas?”_   Hands reached out to grab him as he struggled passed a group of men hanging out in an alley by a bar. 

“Get off me!  No!”  He pushed the men away, frantically struggling out of their grasp just as he saw Chakotay round a corner at the other end of the alley.  Panicking, he ran off into the dark.

Chakotay ran up to the group of men he saw grabbing at Tom.  “Where is he?”

The men, upset that such a pretty piece of ass got away from them, decided to amuse themselves by taunting Chakotay but one look at the furious scowl and the size of the man quickly changed their minds.  Several men pointed down another alley but one man spoke as he, too, pointed down the same alley.  “Your _puta_ went that way!”  All the men again broke out in laughter.

Chakotay would have loved to shove that laughter back down their throats, but he needed to find Tom.  He ran down the alley. 

Tom stopped to catch his breath.  He figured that he’d lost Chakotay back near that bar so he paused to take stock of where he was.  He wasn’t too far from his room but debated about going there.  If Chakotay found him tonight, he was sure Chakotay knew where he lived, too.  Tom didn’t have much but the few things he did have, things he’d brought from Voyager, were back in the room and the thought of leaving those meager possessions was painful.  He decided to risk it.  Slowly, he made his way back, keeping an eye out of any sign of Chakotay.

 _Damnit, where is he?_   Chakotay cursed himself yet again for having lost Tom.   He should have just backed away from the fight with that idiot, regardless of the fact that he’d had his hands on Tom.  _And not just his hands…_ Chakotay pushed that thought away.  He had to.  Tom had not been celibate since leaving Starfleet.  He’d been pushing himself into a slow death from the looks of it.  The same sort of decline he’d been in when Chakotay had first encountered him so many years ago.  But he’d pulled himself out of that life once before, he could do it again.  Only this time it would be with Chakotay’s help.  And Chakotay would make sure Tom knew he was there to help him, to love him.  That was the one thing that kept ringing through Chakotay’s mind in his headlong rush to follow Tom.  He loved Tom, had been in love with him for quite a while.  Seeing Tom in the arms of another man, having sex with another man, had opened his eyes to the fact that he had actually been blind all this time.  _Tom had wanted him, too_.  If he had spoken to Tom of his feelings earlier, when they were both still on Voyager, they would have been together now.  Chakotay would have been introducing Tom to his family as his spouse, his life mate, instead of leaving Tom alone to be hurt by his father. 

Regret and guilt flooded through him. What had Tom’s father said to him to shatter him so badly?  He’d already been disowned once.  What more could his father have done to hurt him so, to make him run away from the life he’d built for himself, the friends he’d made?  Chakotay didn’t know but he was going to find out and then he’d fix it.

\-------------------------------

Eventually Chakotay had to admit that he’d lost track of Tom.  He’d kept to the streets in hopes of finding some hint of where Tom could be but hadn’t had any luck so far.  He knew he needed help.  He quickly touched his comm badge.  A short while later four comrades-in-arms were together once again.

“B’el, keep an eye on the transport nodes.  Harry, I want you at the shuttle port. Tom’s running so he’ll try to leave town.  The Captain and I will canvass the local hotels.  I know he’s here somewhere waiting for a chance to go.”   The two nodded and transported away.

Chakotay nodded at his friends when he saw Katherine return with an officious looking man at her side. 

“Commander Chakotay, this is Captain Castillo, the local constable.  He has agreed to help.  His men are now canvassing the local hotels in hopes of finding Mr. Bennett.”

The Constable was a well-built man with an air of authority and competency.  Chakotay was grateful for his help and said so when they shook hands.

“I am sure, Captain Janeway, that my men will soon find your missing officer.”    His comment was interrupted by the beep of his communicator.  The man spoke briefly in Spanish but it was enough to let Chakotay know Tom had been found.

“I see you understand Spanish, Commander.  That is good.”  He turned to address the Captain.  “Señor Bennett has been found attempting to board a ship for Puerto Inez no doubt knowing that you would have the local port and transporter pads covered.  My men have him in custody and should be transporting here shortly.”

“That’s wonderful, Captain.  I’m very impressed with your men’s capability.  You have my deepest gratitude.”

“It is our pleasure to assist Starfleet whenever possible, and especially valiant members such as yourself and the Commander.  Your journey is the making of another legend and I am honored to have been able to assist.”  He turned at the sound of a transporter beam to see two of his men escorting a shackled Tom between them. 

Janeway looked at her missing helmsman and sighed.  He was thin and pale, his face an emotionless mask except for his eyes which were shadowed with shame though his posture was stiff with anger.  Captain Castillo also looked at the man before him and wondered who he was.  There was no mention of a Tom Bennett listed among the gallant crew of the Voyager.

“Captain, do you wish to keep him in restraints?  My men will assist in whatever manner you require.”

“Thank you, Captain Castillo, your offer is very kind, but we won’t need to keep Mr. Bennett in restraints.  I’m sure he won’t try to leave us again.”  Turning to Tom she gave him a steely glare.  “Isn’t that right, Tom?”

Tom noted the hard look is former Captain gave him which combined anger, worry and hurt and felt an even deeper shame than he thought possible.  He’d never intended this to work out this way.  But most of all, he’d never intended for Chakotay to see what he’d become again.  He’d yet to look into those dark eyes and didn’t know if he ever could again. 

“No, Ma’am.  I won’t leave.”

Janeway again searched the emotionless face but Tom had turned away to stare at the ground as his shoulders slumped into a defeated posture.

Captain Castillo read the body language of the man before him and knew he’d given up and though his curiosity was great, it was not his place to know the story here.  He gestured for his men to remove the shackles.  Once the shackles were off one of the guards handed Tom a small satchel and then both men smartly stepped back but remained at attention.

“Very well, Captain Janeway.  It has been a pleasure to meet you and to assist you today.”  After some handshaking and farewells the Captain executed a small salute and then moved to stand next to his men. They disappeared in a shimmering transporter beam.

Chakotay couldn’t bear it anymore.  He stepped closer.  “Tom…”

“No, Commander…don’t!  Please…”  Tom stepped back from the hand that had reached out to him.  He couldn’t bear it if Chakotay touched him now.  He kept his eyes on the ground sure that he’d shatter into a thousand pieces of he looked into those eyes.

Janeway saw the indecision and moved.  “You know, Tom, after all our time together I considered us friends.  But if nothing else, I would have thought you’d at least tell me in person what you’d decided…” 

Tom struggled to regain his composure.  He had to get them to believe that this is what he wanted.  He straightened up and dragged that old veneer back out of the deep recesses of his brain.   He put on a bored face and forced himself to relax his posture.

Janeway paused when she saw the old Tom come out.  She’d lost her advantage.  Very well.

“Tom, I know what your father did and although I don’t understand it, I’m sure we can work something out…”

Tom gave her smirk and shrugged his shoulders in a carefree manner. 

“He has a new family, Captain, and I’m not a part of it.  But I have my back pay and that’s enough until I find a job somewhere.”  He looked into her eyes and realized that she knew everything the Admiral had done, but not everything he’d threatened. 

“Look, I may not be able to join Starfleet or pilot, but there’s other things I can do.  And regardless of what name I use, I’ll be fine, Captain, so why don’t we say the goodbye I should have taken the time to say properly and then we can both get on with our lives, okay?”

“Tom…”

“No, Captain.  I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but we’re home now and I’m finally going to live my life without anyone looking over my shoulder.”  He forced himself to give Chakotay a quick glance.  It nearly cost him everything he had to keep the carefree attitude.  “I’m sorry I put you and the Commander through this and knowing you, probably Harry and B’elanna, too.”  He saw the truth of that in her eyes _.  I’m so sorry, Harry, B’el._   God above, he really needed to get away from them.  “But I’m not coming back.  I have no reason to and I really don’t want to.  In fact, I was just getting ready to leave here and move on somewhere new…after eight years on Voyager I guess I’ve got itchy feet and I’m not ready to settle down anywhere yet.  So again, I apologize for not saying goodbye more formally the first time, but then, I’ve never been one to stick with protocol all that much.”  Tom ended with a chuckle that sounded hollow even to his own ears.

Janeway didn’t believe for a minute that anything Tom said was true but felt helpless in light of his words.  Tom was fully aware of the lengths the Admiral had gone to, had agreed to for some reason that was between him and his father.  There really wasn’t anything else she could do and it sickened her.

“I tell you what, Captain.  When I get settled, I’ll drop you a line.”  Tom knew he’d won at the look in her eyes and as much as it hurt, he’d take it.  Then he forced himself to look at the man next to her once more.  “Chakotay, take care of yourself, okay?”  And without giving him a chance to answer he turned and started to walk away.

Janeway felt the man next to her move.  “Chakotay, let him go.  There’s nothing more we can do.”

“Forgive me, Katherine, but that’s bullshit and you know it.”  He stopped at her flinch and felt immediate regret for using one of Tom’s favorite 20th century profanities. 

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going after him and I’m going to tell him what I should have told him long ago.”

Katherine looked at her friend knowing exactly what he was talking about.  She’d been aware of his feelings for the younger man for some time but in light of how the various relationships had evolved, never felt the time was right to encourage her First Officer to go after what he wanted.

“But Harry said that he loved someone…”  Understanding lit her eyes.  “It’s you, isn’t it?”  She smiled at Chakotay’s nod.  She wondered how he’d found that out.  “What about Seven?”

“Katherine, you’ve always known that wasn’t going to go anywhere.  In fact, I recall you giving me a subtle warning about her continued learning process and the changes it brings.”

She chuckled.  “Go then, my friend.  And good luck.  I’ll let Harry and B’elanna know.  Just let me know where the two of you end up, alright?”

Chakotay gave her a surprised look.  He hadn’t given his formal reply to anyone, yet.

“He can’t join Starfleet and I know you won’t be separated from him again.”  Katherine sighed.  She’d just lost two of her finest officers but hopefully, her very good friends would find happiness.  Pushing Chakotay to go she couldn’t resist a final comment as he started to jog away.

“Just let me know when the wedding is!” 

She laughed delightedly at Chakotay’s slightly stunned look which was followed by a brilliant smile.  She had full confidence that he’d get what he wanted.

Chakotay knew that Tom’s first action would be to get blind drunk.  So he very methodically began to scout out the bars he’d checked before.  He’d picked up a hypospray to detox Tom when he found him but he knew he had to hurry.  He wasn’t sure what kind of trouble Tom would get himself into at this point.  Fortunately, it didn’t take long to find one already quite inebriated blonde.

The bartender saw the same man he’d spoken to earlier re-enter the bar.  Without a word he gestured to a booth in the back where the blonde man sat obviously determined to drink himself into a stupor.  Chakotay looked over and smiled grimly.  He asked for a glass and then moved to join Tom.  Chakotay slipped into the chair opposite Tom and heard him groan.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“We weren’t done talking yet, Tom.”

“Well I was done.  Why can’t you just accept that this is what I want?”

“Because I know you, Tom.  There’s some other reason why you’re not fighting your father on this…”

“HE’S NOT MY FATHER!”  Tom growled in fury.

Chakotay was shocked by the raw hatred and anger but he wasn’t going to let it sway him.  He simply picked up the bottle and poured himself a drink.

“I didn’t say I’d share, Cha…Commander.”

Chakotay just shrugged.  “I’ll pay half.”

Tom glared but said nothing.  It was quiet between them for quite awhile, neither man saying what was on their minds as Tom continued to drink steadily.

Chakotay watched as Tom knocked back two more shots.  He waited awhile longer, watching as the drink took effect.  It wasn’t long until Tom dropped his head and moaned.  “Why, Cha?  Why does he hate me so much?”  Tears rolled down his face reflecting the devastation and loss he felt.

“What happened, Tommy?  What did your father say?”

“You sure you wanna know?”  Tom looked up, his bleary eyes bored holes into Chakotay for a moment before turning back to stare at the table in front of him.  Nodding his head, he made a decision.  “Right.  Here it is…he told me he was no longer my father.  But, hey, that wasn’t new.  He already disowned me on the steps of Federation Headquarters.  You remember that?”  Tom looked back up and nodded in time with Chakotay’s nod.  “Right.”  Tom lifted his finger waggled it slightly to emphasized his next point.  “But this time he made sure there would be no connection between him and me at all.  He made sure that my name was legally changed so there would be no hint of scandal attached to my little half-brother’s legacy.”  Tom sat back, his hands spread wide at his own pronouncement.   He paused at Chakotay’s hissed intake of breath.  “Does that surprise you, Cha?  It shouldn’t, you know.  I’ve done nothing but alienate him my whole life, whether intentional or not.  Only now it’s legal.  Tom Paris is dead and gone, long live Tom Bennett…blackballed pilot and drunken whore who will no doubt spend his last worthless days here in sunny Mexico.”  He reached over and picked up his glass and toasted the country at large and then downed the whiskey.

Chakotay was stunned.  He knew Tom well enough to know what Tom had secretly wished for, remembered every word of that conversation in Sandrine’s.  He felt himself fill with rage at the confirmation of what the cold-hearted bastard had done to his son.

“Tom, we can fight this somehow.  There has to be a way…”

“No!”  Tom slapped his hand down on the table.  “Leave it alone, Cha.  There’s nothing I can do…nothing…”  Tom’s eyes drifted away as the alcohol continued to filter into his brain.  “He knew exactly what to do…how to hurt me…” 

“What did he threaten, Tom?  Who?”

Tom was quiet again and threw back another drink.  Chakotay watched him, wanting to use the hypospray but also wanting to know what hold the Admiral still had over Tom.  He continued to listen to the slurring speech.

“Are you and Seven staying in Starfleet, Cha?” 

Chakotay stared at him for a moment, wondering where Tom’s thoughts were going.

Tom blinked his eyes in confusion.  Should he tell Cha?  He’s not supposed to but Cha needed to protect himself.  Chakotay needed to know how powerful the Admiral was, what he’d do.  He had to warn him, he had to tell him what to watch out for…

“As long as I stay out here, you’ll be fine in Starfleet, Cha.  Harry, B’el…did B’elanna decide to stay in?  It’s okay, she’s a great engineer and Harry’s great at…everything…they’ll be fine…they’ll be Admirals, too, someday…” 

Tom’s eyes began to close as he got lost in his thoughts and the alcohol continued to take its toll.  “As long as I’m here he won’t hurt you…you can do whatever you want.  Hell, everyone can do what they want and they’ll be okay…everyone will be Admirals because the Great and Might Admiral Paris will help them as long as I stay away.  Everyone gets what they want…everyone but me but that’s okay because I’m used to it…”  Tom’s voice faded away as the tears rolled down his cheeks.  His head was spinning and Cha was spinning, but then every time he sees Cha now, he’s always spinning.  Why is that?  Tom dropped his head as he continued to mumble to the Cha that lived in his drunken fantasy. 

“I wish you were real, Cha…I always do.  But it’s better, safer this way.  You’re on Voyager with Katherine  and Seven right now and its okay because you’re safe.  But you know what?  You need another ship, Cha.   You’re a great First Officer, but you’re a better Captain but I’m not sure who’s better…you or Katherine…I’ll fly for you both but I can’t fly anymore unless you’re fucking me, Cha.  Will you fuck me and let me fly?”  Tom stared at him for a moment and then laughed cruelly.  “Who ‘m I kidding?  You’re not real…”  Tom dropped his head onto the table, his words slipping into incoherency.

Chakotay’s heart was breaking.  Tom had given up everything to protect his friends from his father, and he’d given up on himself.  This, then, was his chosen method of suicide. 

“Sure I am, Tommy.  Let me show you.  Come here.”  Chakotay stood and moved over to Tom and lifted Tom’s head.  The bleary eyes opened slightly and Chakotay could see a sliver of the sky blue eyes he loved.  He ran his hand lovingly down the beloved face, wiping away the tears that lingered.  He stroked Tom’s face with one hand while he pulled out the hypospray with the other.  This had gone far enough.  He wanted Tom sober for the rest of the conversation they had to have.

It didn’t take long before Tom again lifted his head only to find himself sitting in a booth with someone’s arms around his shoulders.  He looked up and recognized Chakotay and sat there in confusion, the shot not yet having taken full effect. 

Chakotay recognized the moment when Tom realized where he was.  A look of horror crossed Tom’s face and Chakotay knew he was trying to remember what he’d said.  It didn’t surprise him when Tom panicked and broke out of his arms. 

“Tom, wait!”  Chakotay called out as Tom stumbled away.   With a muttered curse Chakotay quickly grabbed Tom’s bag and followed him out of the bar.

A sense of déjà vu surrounded Chakotay as he ran after Tom but it didn’t last long as he rounded a corner and saw Tom headed towards the water.  Fear gripped his heart as he followed praying he could keep up with Tom and keep both of them from drowning.

Tom ran without any thought except to escape the words he knew he’d muttered to Chakotay.  But what did it matter?  Cha had already seen what he was, what he’d been doing.  Nausea engulfed him and he didn’t know if it was because of the drink or what he’d said.  He ran towards the waves but stumbled in the deep sand, nausea and tears making it impossible to go on.  He began to throw up.  He felt hands holding his shoulders and rubbing his back as continued to heave.  Eventually he stopped and tried to crawl away from the mess he’d made.

Tom knelt on the sand, his chest heaving and his arms wrapped around his stomach.  He looked out to sea, watching the waves through the blur of tears.  Chakotay again moved next to him, kneeling quietly and waiting.  Finally Tom spoke. 

“I can’t be Tom Paris anymore, Cha, and I don’t want to be Tom Bennett.  So where does that leave me?  Who am I?”  He turned, the movement dislodging the tears that were clinging to his lashes so that they streamed down his face. 

Chakotay, his own breath catching reached out to grab the slim man by the shoulders.  “You are who you’ve always been, Tom!  A fantastic pilot, an incredibly brave and noble man, a good friend to everyone on Voyager…”  _Say it, Chakotay…tell him!_   “Tom, you’re my friend…”

“That’s all in the past, Cha.  I’m not the guy you were friends with!  All I am now is a drunken whore.”  He pulled away from Chakotay’s grip.  “Campbell, Bennett, the name changes but the worthless slut remains the same…”

“NO, Tom!  No!”  Chakotay again reached out to grasp the slim shoulders, but this time he knew he wouldn’t let go.  “You _are_ my friend, Tom.  You’re more than my friend…I love you, Tommy.”

Tom looked at Chakotay, his words not making any sense in his still slightly alcohol-fogged brain.

“Wha…what?  What are you saying, Cha?  You love Seven, you’re going to be with her and make a bunch of little numbers together…”

Chakotay nearly laughed through the tears that threatened from his own eyes.  “No, Tom.  Seven and I aren’t together and we have no plans to be except as friends.  She’s going to stay with her aunt and work with the Federation.  And as for me, the only decision I’ve made so far is to be with the person I love.”

Chakotay didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t the dumbfounded look on Tom’s face, nor was it the total silence as Tom stared at him.  He started to get worried.

“The only person I love is you, Tommy.”

“But I’m nothing but a…” he was silenced by the warm hand covering his mouth.

“What you were, Tom, was a man desperately trying to live a fantasy until he killed himself and I won’t let that happen.  Who you are is the man I love…a beautiful warm, funny, aggravating, loyal, talented-beyond-belief pilot who did everything in his power to make sure his crew and family came home safely.  And who gave up everything…absolutely everything…to keep them safe.  I don’t give a damn what that bastard Admiral said or what he thinks.  I know who you are, Tommy, and I want to be with you regardless of your name and whether or not we’re in Starfleet.” 

Chakotay looked at the stunned man he held and moved his hand from the sexy lips wishing Tom would say something.  “Tom?”

“Since when have you called me Tommy?”

A smile broke out across the full lips.  “You’ve always been Tommy in my fantasies and in my heart.”

How many more shocks could he take in one day?  “How long?”

Chakotay gave a rueful smile and then leaned back to sit on the sand, his arms crossed over his bent knees sure now that Tom wouldn’t run again.  He felt Tom rearrange himself to sit next to him, mirroring his posture.  For the first time in a long while, he felt hope kindling in his heart.  He put his arm around Tom, grateful that he didn’t try to pull away.  He looked out at the incoming waves.

“I have to admit it took awhile…sometime after I realized that Katherine and I would never be more than friends but before you and B’el got close.  I knew that I considered you a friend and then somehow it just snuck up on me that you were more than a friend.  But then you married B’el and tried to have a family.  I can’t tell you how sorry I was that she lost the baby.  But I always wanted the best for you, for you to be happy.  And then you two realized that your marriage wouldn’t work but by then I had started seeing Seven.  Looking back, it all seems to have happened so fast.”

Chakotay turned to look at the silent man next to him.  “Not to mention the fact that I had no idea you liked men.  I honestly thought you were completely heterosexual.”  He smiled grimly at the slightly shocked countenance.

“But you knew I’d been with men the first time we met, you knew what I was…”

“Tom, I know what you felt you were forced to do.  I knew then that you were pretty much at the end of your rope.  But the entire time we were on Voyager, you only went out with women, you married B’elanna.  Quite frankly, I never thought I had a chance as anything other than your friend...”

Chakotay’s voice faded away as he watched the emotions chase themselves across the expressive face.  He knew that Tom lusted after him.  The scene at the cabana told him that much.  But what did Tom want now?  He began to worry when Tom remained silent.

“Tommy, please tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Cha, I don’t have a future anywhere in the Federation.  My father saw to that.  I can’t be in Starfleet, I can’t get a job piloting.  I lied when I said there were other things I could do but to tell you the truth, the only thing I could probably still do is tend bar or maybe work in a factory somewhere…”

“Tom…”  Chakotay tried to interrupt but Tom had jumped up and started pacing, the words flowing fast.  He was on a roll.

“Don’t you get it, Cha?  I’ve got nothing to offer you.  I’ll probably only drag you down, in fact I know I will because your career with Starfleet is toast as long as I’m with you and, trust me, the Admiral will know that I’m with you and who knows what else I’ll…”

His words were stopped by the hand that clamped down on his mouth.  He looked at Cha who was now standing in front of him.

“Stop right there, Tom.  I’m going to ask you a question and the only thing I want coming out of your mouth is a yes or no answer.  Understand?”

The blonde head nodded as the wide blue eyes stared at him.

“Do you love me?”

The blue eyes continued to stare at him as he slowly removed his hand.

Tom slowly licked his lips as the dark eyes bored into him.  This was his chance to let Cha have any life he wanted, even Starfleet.  Just one two-letter word, just one…but instead he found himself whispering “yes.”

And he felt blessed by the brilliant smile that broke out across that beautiful mouth.  “Cha…?”

“Shh, baby, just listen for a minute, alright?” 

Tom was stunned, first by the smile and then by the endearment.  He nodded.

“Tom, you said you don’t want to be Tom Bennett, right?”  He smiled as Tom shook his head, pleased that he remained silent.  “Well then, I’d like to know how you feel about being Thomas of Dorvan V, or maybe Tomás of Dorvan V?”

Chakotay smiled at the confusion in the blue eyes and he decided to clarify.

“What I’m asking, Tom, is if you’d like to be Tomás, life mate of Chakotay of Dorvan V?”

“But what about Starfleet…?”

“No, Tommy, I want to go home.  My brother Nayib offered me a position on the Dorvan Council and I intend to take it.  Dorvan is still being rebuilt after the devastation from the war and I want to help.  I’m hoping you’ll help, too.”

“Doing what?  The only thing I do well is fly…”

“Yes, and since I have some pull with the Council and they’re in such desperate need of pilots I’m sure I could probably pull some strings…”  Chakotay smiled and took Tom’s hand in his.  “So, what do you say, Tommy?  Will you marry me?”

This time Chakotay felt the blessing of a brilliant smile and shining sky blue eyes.

“Oh, yes, Cha, yes!"

Tom threw his arms around Chakotay and claimed the full lips he’d fantasized about for so long and began to fly. 

The End


End file.
